A man’s mind was not meant to bottle up emotions for hundreds of years, it seemed.
And when those emotions were pain, betrayal, abandonment and bitter resentment, they boiled together in the heart until that bile and poison could finally break through the dam of control and spew forth. For Neal Cassidy, seeing his father again after so long finally broke that dam, made strong from not having to see the man who he resented so much for his betrayal.
Things had hardly gone smoothly between the father and son since Rumpelstiltskin finally found a way to leave Storybrooke and finally put the Curse to its intended use and find his long-lost son. Neal had, quite rightly, wanted nothing to do with the man and Rumple found himself at a loss. There was nothing he could do or say to make Neal see why he had done what he had done…and part of him didn’t want Neal to forgive him. That part of him that hated his own father for abandoning him in his youth spat at Rumple that he deserved every inch of hatred Neal could throw at him.
Yes, Rumpelstiltskin knew there was no way he could justify his actions the night he let Baelfire go into the portal without him, breaking the one and only deal he’d ever agreed to. Yes, he regretted the split-second moment he’d picked his power over his son, giving in to the dark magic’s corruption of his mind and underestimating his power.
But his son seemed to resent more than that. Neal seemed to hate that Rumple had ever become the Dark One, refusing to see the older man’s point of view - he had taken the powers to save Neal and all the children dying in the Ogre Wars, that he had taken the powers and fully intended to turn them to good, horrifically underestimating the corruptive powers of the magic on both his body and sanity. After a lifetime of being beaten down and laughed at, of trying so hard to defend himself and his family only to be cast aside with ease no matter how much effort he put in, having his best efforts never be enough, being easily swept aside by those stronger than him…Rumple had finally been strong enough to defend his family. Strong, as every father should be.
He regretted letting Baelfire go that day, and would apologise for it for the rest of his life…but he did not regret taking the Dark One’s powers. He did not regret making himself strong enough to save his son when his best efforts of his own simply physically could not.
Thus had their “conversation” ended that evening - Neal had, with some persuasion from Emma, finally agreed to meet with his father to talk. They met in the the forest and talked….and for a while, things seemed to go well, until they came to the topic of Rumple taking the Dark One’s powers in the first place. Rumple had tried to explain his point of view, to explain how it felt to try your hardest to defend your family and letting them down because you physically were not able, beaten and kicked aside no matter how many times he got back up…but Neal could not see past his own view. He couldn’t accept the idea that his father had truly done it for his son, to save him, and not simply out of spite for men more powerful than he. Neal couldn’t understand why Rumple hadn’t saved him from the wars then just stopped - he didn’t know the corruptive powers of the magic, how it pushed out what was human in its host and replaced it with the darkness that lurked in all. How he couldn’t control it. Oh, it was so easy to think he would be able to before he’d taken the powers…how Rumple had learned that day the difference between thinking something and doing it.
He had every intention of just saving Bae…he’d never planned to be trapped in the clutched of the Dark One. But no…Rumple’s son seemed to think the Dark One was just Rumple relishing power…he didn’t see the powers were great enough to almost be a consciousness in its own right, festering in the mind and taking hold…
So Rumple had finally lost his patience with the man who was as stubborn and bull-headed as his mother, (and perhaps his father), and had stormed away, stomping through the forest as fast as his crippled leg would allow (yet another sacrifice to his son, he thought blindly in anger, did he ignore that too?!) ignoring the rarity in the sky above him - a hunter’s moon, many times bigger than a normal full moon and burning red and orange in the darkness.
Rumple could hear Neal following behind him, but didn’t stop.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Bae! What you want me to do! I will never be able to show you how sorry I am for letting you go, how I hate myself for abandoning you! But I will not apologise for taking the power to save my son from certain death! I don’t regret taking the Dark One’s powers. I don’t! Because it saved your life! And your life is worth everything to me - my happiness, my love, my sanity, everything!”
Things had been different, once. Once upon a blue moon, Baelfire had thought his life to be happy; despite his mother having left them, despite their poverty and the oncoming threat of being sent off to war, he’d lived several years in peace and quiet with a father who loved him more than anything. The coming of the powers of the Dark One had changed all that—ruined all that. Their family life was torn apart, and after a while, his father was nothing but an empty shell of the man he used to be. Needless to say, Bae was thrilled to find out that there was yet another opportunity left for them, somewhere in another world.
When he had presented his father with the idea, he hadn’t known what sort of a response to expect from him. The man seemed to have grown quite fond of his new-found powers, using and abusing them at every opportunity that presented itself to him, and he didn’t even seem to be able to start the day without a large portion of magic anymore, at least from Baelfire’s point of view. The addiction had simply crept in, and it was up to Bae to convince the man that giving up his powers by moving to another land would grant him so much more freedom and reward than staying here and continuing along the same destructive line.
The man had been reluctant at first, as expected, but as he made a deal out of the entire ordeal, Bae was sincerely hopeful that things would turn out to be alright. The bean had practically been burning a hole in his pocket and he was beyond excited to make a start on their new life, but his father stalled. When eventually, they were both ready to start all over -at least that is what the boy had thought-, the portal was opened—and only one of them went through.
The emotions that came with being abandoned like that, the way the boy felt when he fell through the portal all by himself—he swore to himself he would never stumble upon a situation that would make him feel the same way ever again. In a way, he closed himself off, especially from all matters surrounding his father, and fought to live life as comfortable as he could, living on the streets. For the longest time, this lifestyle’d had its merits, though there was a large negative side to it all as well, of course. At least he had learned how to survive on his own, but after his return from Neverland, he had no home or family to speak of, with the Darlings out of sight. It was a lonely life, until Emma became a part of it, but ultimately, their ways separated again.
Never in his life could he have imagined he would see his father again. No matter the walls he had built up, everything came pouring back out the moment it came to a confrontation between the two of them, and he noticed that the emotions he’d held bottled up for so many years had only grown stronger over time, even though he hadn’t felt them in a long while. There was so much resentment there, but sadness as well, and confusion. How could a man who claimed to love his son so much simply pick a dark power over his only child? It hurt, that it did. But he tried his very best not to let that part show. He’d show him anger, in stead.
Emma had always been able to convince him to do things he would really rather not delve into, and so it was that he had agreed to at least meet up with his father for what was supposed to be a calm talk between the two of them. But anyone who had seen their previous interactions would be able to predict that their conversation was going to be far from calm. Things had escalated once more, and now his father was hobbling off into the distance as fast as his leg would allow him. A fool of an old man, Neal thought him to be, but he still followed in the general direction he had walked off in; he’d taken the effort to meet up with him, and now his father was walking away from their discussion? None of that.
"And that’s exactly your problem. You don’t regret. I told you, I’ve lived my life on the streets since you abandoned me, been to Neverland and fought off dangers bigger than your average street riot. Been perfectly capable of defending myself. But keep telling yourself that poison of powers actually did something good for us. If that’s what makes you sleep at night, stick to that. Just don’t expect me to forgive you for tearing apart everything we ever had.”
